FABULOUS PRIZES
Posted on 2008.05.06 at 17:43Current Mood: sincere
Much like Christmas and drunken proclamations of my sexual desire for John Cusack, it only happens once a year. It’s Apex Digest’s annual subscription drive. Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest is, without exaggeration, the best fiction quarterly(that-does-not-also-showcase-co
The purpose of this bitch is simple: Go here and buy a subscription to the magazine. You can pick up a one-year subscription for the insanely thrifty tag of twenty bucks, OR a lifetime subscription for one hundred bucks. And that’s legit. For a mere hundred bones you never have to renew or pay more.
People have been doing weird shit to drum up business for Apex. Jodi Lee, the ravishing creature who backed up editor Deb Taber on The Next Fix., has vowed to dye chunks of her hair alien green. David Montoya of Magus Press is giving away free books. Some other chick I don’t know is doing something else I don’t recall offhand.
Being an Apex reader and contributor, and an official member of the Apex Publications family, I want to do my part. I have no luck getting you fuckers to do things en masse, so here’s what I’ve come up. This is some serious shit. You don’t want to miss out on this.
If you buy a one-year subscription to Apex Digest (again, for the low, low price of twenty American clams) you may redeem your purchase for one of the following:
1) A game of on-line Scrabble with the author, Matt Wallace (otherwise known as me), at an appointed time of your choosing. Either Literati on Yahoo! or Scrabulous on Facebook. This includes game-long chat with same. I am awesome and you will not win. But it will be an experience. That I promise.
2) The author, Matt Wallace (also me), will compose an angry rant targeted at someone you fucking hate and post it in his blog (here). It doesn’t matter who it is. George W. Bush, some dude or chick at work, a band you think sucks, an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. It will be at least a thousand words. I will incorporate any and all negative traits you list for me. I will flat out make shit up to assure everyone who reads it knows what a complete mouth breathing waste of fucking life they are. They will cry.
Now, if you purchase a LIFETIME subscription (one hundred bones, regular issues of Apex Digest ‘til the end of your days) you will be eligible for one of two GRAND PRIZES. I thought long and hard on these. Check it out:
1) A limited engagement, one-time-only, in-depth critique. Your short story, your screenplay, your manuscript. Whatever. I will evaluate, I will comment, I will suggest. If it really impresses me I may even pass it along to the fabled RIGHT PEOPLE. Who knows.
I will NOT line edit.
Why do you want this? Because I’m awesome. No, seriously. All right, fine, but I have picked up a thing or two along the way you might just find valuable. I am, after all, a professional screenwriter, a published author, and co-editor of the other greatest fiction quarterly on the planet Earth, Murky Depths. I’ve even won awards. Like, more than one. I know some shit.
Why is this valuable (as in, worth a hundred dollars)? Because I never do it. I don’t like you. It’s nothing personal. I just hate writers. They’re awful, pretentious fucks. All of ‘em. I don’t do workshops, crit groups, seminars, message boards. I’d rather have my dick slammed repeatedly in a sliding glass door than sit in a semi-circle with a pack of aspiring authors and discuss the fucking Elements of Style. It’s like being water boarded with bullshit. So this is an extremely rare offer, and one I am not likely to make in any other context ever.
2) If you’re not, in fact, a writer (which would shock the hell out of me, as I’ve come to believe everyone is at this point), you may redeem your subscription purchase for the following: One (1) DVD from my personal collection. That’s right. I will send you a list of all the DVD’s I own, from which you may select one title, which I will then send to you. I will also autograph the case and include a Polaroid of myself giving you the finger for taking the movie you’ve chosen away from me. I love my DVD’s. I will personalize and date the Polaroid upon request.
I am serious about all of these fabulous prizes. Simply leave a comment or send me an e-mail to confirm your purchase and to let me know which one you want. If you’ve already purchased a subscription you are not eligible. And I will be checking.
The purpose of this bitch is simple: Go here and buy a subscription to the magazine. You can pick up a one-year subscription for the insanely thrifty tag of twenty bucks, OR a lifetime subscription for one hundred bucks. And that’s legit. For a mere hundred bones you never have to renew or pay more.
People have been doing weird shit to drum up business for Apex. Jodi Lee, the ravishing creature who backed up editor Deb Taber on The Next Fix., has vowed to dye chunks of her hair alien green. David Montoya of Magus Press is giving away free books. Some other chick I don’t know is doing something else I don’t recall offhand.
Being an Apex reader and contributor, and an official member of the Apex Publications family, I want to do my part. I have no luck getting you fuckers to do things en masse, so here’s what I’ve come up. This is some serious shit. You don’t want to miss out on this.
If you buy a one-year subscription to Apex Digest (again, for the low, low price of twenty American clams) you may redeem your purchase for one of the following:
1) A game of on-line Scrabble with the author, Matt Wallace (otherwise known as me), at an appointed time of your choosing. Either Literati on Yahoo! or Scrabulous on Facebook. This includes game-long chat with same. I am awesome and you will not win. But it will be an experience. That I promise.
2) The author, Matt Wallace (also me), will compose an angry rant targeted at someone you fucking hate and post it in his blog (here). It doesn’t matter who it is. George W. Bush, some dude or chick at work, a band you think sucks, an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. It will be at least a thousand words. I will incorporate any and all negative traits you list for me. I will flat out make shit up to assure everyone who reads it knows what a complete mouth breathing waste of fucking life they are. They will cry.
Now, if you purchase a LIFETIME subscription (one hundred bones, regular issues of Apex Digest ‘til the end of your days) you will be eligible for one of two GRAND PRIZES. I thought long and hard on these. Check it out:
1) A limited engagement, one-time-only, in-depth critique. Your short story, your screenplay, your manuscript. Whatever. I will evaluate, I will comment, I will suggest. If it really impresses me I may even pass it along to the fabled RIGHT PEOPLE. Who knows.
I will NOT line edit.
Why do you want this? Because I’m awesome. No, seriously. All right, fine, but I have picked up a thing or two along the way you might just find valuable. I am, after all, a professional screenwriter, a published author, and co-editor of the other greatest fiction quarterly on the planet Earth, Murky Depths. I’ve even won awards. Like, more than one. I know some shit.
Why is this valuable (as in, worth a hundred dollars)? Because I never do it. I don’t like you. It’s nothing personal. I just hate writers. They’re awful, pretentious fucks. All of ‘em. I don’t do workshops, crit groups, seminars, message boards. I’d rather have my dick slammed repeatedly in a sliding glass door than sit in a semi-circle with a pack of aspiring authors and discuss the fucking Elements of Style. It’s like being water boarded with bullshit. So this is an extremely rare offer, and one I am not likely to make in any other context ever.
2) If you’re not, in fact, a writer (which would shock the hell out of me, as I’ve come to believe everyone is at this point), you may redeem your subscription purchase for the following: One (1) DVD from my personal collection. That’s right. I will send you a list of all the DVD’s I own, from which you may select one title, which I will then send to you. I will also autograph the case and include a Polaroid of myself giving you the finger for taking the movie you’ve chosen away from me. I love my DVD’s. I will personalize and date the Polaroid upon request.
I am serious about all of these fabulous prizes. Simply leave a comment or send me an e-mail to confirm your purchase and to let me know which one you want. If you’ve already purchased a subscription you are not eligible. And I will be checking.
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