The Next Fix

Matt's First Vlurb

Wed, 27 May 2009 02:16:38 GMT

Recently (relatively speaking) I joined the likes of director Patrick Lussier and Friday the 13th creator Victor Miller in "vlurbing" J.C. Hutchins' reality-bending novel Personal Effects: Dark Art (dropping in less than two weeks).

When Hutch introduced the first of these sickhouse promo beauties, I thought it was a revolutionary concept/execution in book marketing. And when you add the company I'm in, I was honored to be asked to pimp on the small screen.

Having just returned from Balticon where I interviewed Hutch live in front of a couple hundred rabid fans and actually got to see and feel this book, I can't second Vlurb Matt's words strongly enough. This is an utterly killer read, and so much more if you want it to be. I urge you to delve deeper into the world and the alternate reality experience Hutch has created with this thing.

Share this clip like we're reliving the glory days of Lars Ulrich-raping Napster, kids. And I command you to pre-order the book today.

Return of the King

Wed, 27 May 2009 01:35:31 GMT

The 2009 Parsec Awards loom not-too-distantly, and if you don't believe me just take a listen to Scott Sigler and J.C. Hutchins' traditional Parsec Awards promo (in which I receive one of the greatest name drops of all time).

I've been asked several increasingly-annoying times if I'm bitter about last year's awards. "Matt, do you really think Scott Sigler deserved to be nominated three times in the same category?" For the record, I think Scott Sigler deserved a gold-plated handjob machine for what he did for me and every other author in our medium(s) last year. Which is a nice way of saying no and I will have my vengeance.

To that end, I've compiled a brief list of all my eligible works of podfic from the last year. Check 'em and rec 'em, kids. I'll see you in Atlanta. Not really, as I piss on Dragon*Con, but I'll be there in spirit. And proxy.

Oh, yes. Fear my proxy.

The End of Flesh Variant Frequencies -- Best Speculative Fiction Story (Novella Form)

"Pallas & Stan" Stories of the Third Wave -- Best Speculative Fiction Story (Short Form)

"Receiver" 7th Son: OBSIDIAN -- Best Speculative Fiction Story (Short Form)

And don't forget to nominate Variant Frequencies for Best Speculative Fiction Magazine or Anthology Podcast and Stranger Things for Best Speculative Fiction Video Podcast.

You still have a week (or two. Possibly. Do your own research). Go forth and make your voice heard.

The Replacement Storytellers

Wed, 27 May 2009 01:08:03 GMT

Go ahead; I defy you to tell me your eyes aren't oppositely hard and wet as they gaze upon the graphic masterpiece to my immediate right. I dare you to raise an argument as I proclaim that bit of visual coitus the ocular quickie of the century.

I dare you.

You're looking at the cover of the latest issue of Murky Depths. You can't tell from the adjoining image, but that artwork actually wraps around both the front and back cover of the 'zine itself. It's a genre-crossing mosaic that I fell in love with as soon as I opened up my contributor's copies. In what is coming up on three years of *the* tastiest covers in both literary and illustrated magazines, this is my undisputed favorite. It ranks right beside Vinny Chong's orgasmic and award-nominated steampunk-inspired cover from several issues back.

And as if that weren't enough, my name is on it. A blow-up is SO going on my office wall.

My new DEPTH CHARGE column rounds out this issue. It's entitled "The Replacement Storytellers" and focuses on the gadgetry housing our stories today, and the descendants of said gadgetry that might be telling our stories tomorrow.

Witness a brief excerpt . . .

We are all becoming the Three Little Pigs of this even newer digital age. We’ve ditched the sticks and straw for much rawer building blocks, for ions and lithium and silicon and savage steel. Our refining techniques, however, make nursery rhyme magicks look like a Taiwanese hooker’s ping pong ball trick. We architect microcosmic wonders so sleek and deft in design that they become mundane as quickly as we can snap them to our belts or sheath them in a silicone skin holster.

I was in the zone, kids.

On a related note, I'm currently looking to fatten my freelance portfolio. So if you are a magazine editor, or have the ear/genitals of a magazine editor, there is no subject, genre, or cultural niche I cannot dissect and reassemble into pure distilled word fetishism.

Seriously. I write words good. Pass it on.

Two Parsec Award Winning Authors in a TITLE FIGHT

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 00:05:09 GMT

It's not every day you collaborate with a New York Times Best-Selling author. Even if it is Scott Sigler.

Just in time to shamelessly whore Sigler's limited (3,000 copy) release of THE ROOKIE in first edition hardcover, it's TITLE FIGHT by Scott Sigler and Matt Wallace. Set thousands of years in the future of THE ROOKIE, this exclusive podcast-only novella combines no-holds-barred MMA (mixed martial arts) with aliens, gangsters, and space drama. It's the story of two technologically souped-up futuristic alien gladiators on a collision course with history. Sigler is writing from the perspective of Korak the Cutter, legendary Quyth warrior entering the twilight of his own blood-soaked legend. I'll be going head-to-head with him from the perspective of "The Heretic" Chaiyal North, the newly-crowned 6'9", 400 pound Galactic Fighting Alliance champion and the most feared Human fighter to ever step into an interspecies ring.

Just like our characters, we're going to keep trading off, back and forth, round for round, until this epic saga of violence and glory is complete. And you have the chance to sit ringside *FOR FREE*, kids. Watching me and Scott Sigler in a literary smackdown to the death is a blood-pumping proposition if I've ever heard one.

You can catch Round #1 on Sigler's Bloodcast AND on Variant Frequencies right now, live. And don't forget to pre-order THE ROOKIE by Scott Sigler in limited first edition hardcover beginning TOMORROW exclusively on ScottSigler.com

Look for Round #2 of TITLE FIGHT, written by me, next week. But for now, Korak the Cutter is sixty seconds away from death. Whose? I suggest you go find out.

NYT Best-Selling Author Scott Sigler carries his Next Fix wherever he goes . . .

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 19:17:10 GMT

Unedited, uncensored, unadulterated, it's the latest promo for THE NEXT FIX by Matt Wallace for your Kindle reader and Kindle for your iPhone/iPod Touch featuring New York Times Best-Selling author of INFECTED and failed pimp, Scott Sigler.

This is why I created THE NEXT FIX; to cause all those uppity best-selling author fucks to O.D. and die a slow, convulsing death.

One down, hundreds upon hundreds to go.

I am somewhat late in posting this to my blog and blog mirrors, but if you're subscribed to my KILL (the) FEED podcast and perving my weekly video addresses you didn't miss anything, did you?

Take the hint.

Mur Lafferty and DevoSpice carry their Next Fix wherever they go (well, almost . . .)

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 02:40:48 GMT

Already an internet legend before it even hit YouTube, the infamous MAN WHORE promo for The Next Fix for your Kindle reader and Kindle for your iPhone/iPod Touch featuring author, podcasting pioneer, and all around geek sex pot Mur Lafferty and comedy music superstar DevoSpice . . .

You can immerse yourself in all things Mur Lafferty on the Murverse. And if you haven't, check out DevoSpice to learn what fans of the Dr. Demento show have been digging for the last couple of years. Also, DevoSpice hosts the gut-bustingly funny Manic Mondays podcast. It is no less than your drivetime work week starting donkey punch.

Tune in to KILL (the) FEED 2.0 this Sunday for my new Weekly Video Address and the premiere of the latest Next-Fix-for-Kindle promo featuring New York Times best-selling author and failed pimp, Scott Sigler.

J.C. Hutchins carries his Next Fix wherever he goes . . .

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:08:48 GMT

As I posted a little while ago, my short story collection THE NEXT FIX has been ported to Amazon's Kindle reader (and is currently ranked #16,153 in their Kindle Store, up from #39,000 and some change a few hours ago and #way-the-fuck-in-the-hundred-thousands a few hours before that) and is also available for Kindle on your iPhone and your iPod Touches, etc.. It's my first Kindle release and your first opportunity to fill your assorted fancy, expensive gadgets with *this* level of awesome.

To make sure everyone who has dropped the coin on a Kindle/iPhone/iPod knows they can now carry their next fix WHEREVER they go, myself and the good folks at Hurdy Gur, Inc. are producing a series of video promos featuring some of the most talented and trustworthy names in fiction, media, and general geekism. And there are NONE more talented or more trustworthy than Mr. "Hey, Everybody!" himself, creator of 7th SON and author of PERSONAL EFFECTS: DARK ART, J.C. Hutchins.

Here's the thing. You want to be like Hutch. Hutch is the single finest Human being of his generation. He is destined to hit the best-seller lists *twice* in the next year with his techno and psycholigical thrillers. He is one helluva dancer, he regularly lectures on economics at Wharton, and on weekends he teaches kung fu to paraplegics. He's a pimp among circa-1988 Ice T's. And *he* carries his Next Fix wherever he goes.

You should, too. And for four bucks, how can you afford NOT to? Get it here.

You should also help the aforementioned gadget-inclined consumers by spreading the above debut vid promo. Embed it in your own blog and/or social media page, tweet about it, podcast it. Tell your waiter about it tonight at Bennigan's. However you can advance the cause. And feel free to let me know about it so I can thank you properly.

Remember: You are Legion.

KILL (the) FEED 2.0

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 03:29:33 GMT

In conjunction with the hive mind at Hurdy Gur, Inc. it is my sick, twisted, sadistic pleasure to present to you...

KILL (the) FEED 2.0

It's the Mk. 2 version of the first Matt Wallace exclusive podcast, now provided by Feedburner. We've made the jump to the host of champions, and the feed, its content, and our subscribers are all currently reaping the benefits. With a scythe made of digital bliss.

If you're currently subscribed to the original feed, you must resubscribe to the new Feedburner stream to keep receiving our weekly video podcast as well as the audio fiction and other cool new shit we've got slow-brewing in the lab. And if you haven't yet subscribed to KILL (the) FEED then you've waited for us to install leather bucket seats in the Cadillac before purchasing it at cost. And aren't you the wise consumer.

The first update to the new feed is my fourth weekly video address, which is live on Matt-Wallace.com in addition to having just dropped on KILL (the) FEED. It's the first WVA recorded on-location, and I'm coming at you live-on-tape from Durham, North Carolina with some *very* special guests. I think it's the best ep we've yet assembled, and I hope you will too.

You have your marching orders. Go forth, subscribe, consume, report back. And remember you are legion.

Traditional book trailers? He fucked them.

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 14:25:36 GMT

Unconventional Uses for Bedpans #445: Catching your brain when it's blown out of your ass upon viewing the following.

Author and neo-visionary J.C. Hutchins has quite literally redefined the way novels are promoted in any and every visual medium with his new trailer for PERSONAL EFFECTS: DARK ART (pre-order now from Amazon -- available in bookstores everywhere June, 2009). And that is not hype. It's more like a sudden and divine moment of clarity that overcame me as I watched this for the first time. What Star Wars was to moviemaking, what music videos were to TV commercials, this promo should rightfully be to the marketing of books.

No horseshit, Jack.

The truly and eternally fucked part is if I'd actually gotten around to recording one of those video blurbs (an original and killer concept in and of themselves), there's a slim chance I could've been a part of the historic piece of eyefuck above. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself.

I cannot encourage you strongly enough to blog, tweet, and podcast this thing far and wide, kids. Embed it everywhere you can. It's worthy.

Evolutionary Theory (of blogging)

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 02:56:29 GMT

Where has my blog been for the last couple of weeks?

In 3-D, bitches.

That's right, I've gone direct-to-video, just like Treat Williams in the The Substitute sequels. Or Sasha Mitchell in the Kickboxer sequels. Or Daniel Bernhardt in the Bloodsport sequels (I won't lie, I had to iMDB that last one). The first episode of my weekly video address went live on KILL (the) FEED, the new Matt-Wallace.com-exclusive podcast/news feed, two weeks ago. The second episode is available now, and chocked full-o-premium-content. The video editing by my intrepid webmaster, alias The Helljack, is absolutely killer. I never wanted to narrate my own fiction in audio podcasts, now I'm trying to be Lenny fucking Bruce. Life is a fluid concept.

The second ep is twice as long and the segments are far more elaborately and sophisticatedly scripted. Not to mention my t-shirts got WAY more awesome. Subscribe to KILL (the) FEED today and get caught up on all the essayin', asshole-tearin', minutiae-siftin', video-bloggin' action. It's only going to get better and better. Or its gradual downfall will lead to a SPECTACULAR explosion of bottoming-out. Either way, you won't want to miss it.

PLUS there is a lot more podcast content coming, including free original fiction from your humble narrator.

Also at the top of this news hour, THE NEXT FIX is now available for your Kindle reader and Kindle for your iPhone. The Kindle, if you're unaware, is Amazon's new wireless reading device. The Kindle 2 just dropped, and I look on THE NEXT FIX as its launch title. Like Zelda for the Wii. Because I am a craven egomaniac. But this is a big deal to me for several reasons. 1) My first Kindle release. 2) NEW revenue stream (I owe people). 3) The Kindle market is still tapped enough at this point that I believe good fiction can shine in this format.

Purchase. Download. Consume. And *please* be sure to write your review on Amazon.

I've got an exciting, extra-special promotional project cooking for this one, the details of which are currently in the top post over on Matt-Wallace.com for your perusal. I'm going to be dropping a VIDEO PROMO, like a thirty-second TV spot, for THE NEXT FIX on Kindle, and I want YOU to star in it. Yes, you. So hit up the website, check out the details/criteria, and then shoot me an e-mail for your chance to get in on it.

In the meantime, if you currently own a Kindle reader OR have Kindle for your iPhone I can't urge you strongly enough to get your digital gadgetry addicted to THE NEXT FIX and carry me next to your naughty bits everywhere you go.

Trust me. I'll make it worth your while.

KILL (the) FEED

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 08:56:39 GMT

"Whoever controls the media, the images, controls the culture."
-- Allen Ginsberg

"Smash the control images. Smash the control machine."
-- William S. Burroughs

As I believe I've mentioned before, Scott Sigler is fond of referring to me as the "trustfund baby" of podcasting, because to date I have been fond of neither voicing nor producing my own podcast fiction. At least I think that's the reason. Who knows why the deluded motherfucker says half the shit he does? Have you heard him do Soupbone? I mean, seriously.

I have a new website. I'm diggin' it a ton. I'm also looking to improve upon what it has to offer. To that end, we'll be raising a new RSS feed over at Matt-Wallace.com next week. We're calling it KILL (the) FEED, and to make it worth your while I'm taking to the podcasting airwaves myself for the first time in the form of a new weekly video address, Obama-style. Only sexier. Obviously. The premiere episode will kick off next Saturday, the 28th, and if you know me, my work, you can probably guess I'm not going to settle for any ol' "talking head" video blog horseshit. I've got some ideas. I've got some plans. I've got a few calls in to a few friends who owe me a few favors.

This is the part where you should start being afraid.

I'm also opening my weekly viddresses to you, the viewer/listener/reader (henceforth known as the Legion, largely because the nouns keep piling up and I'm tired of splitting them like that). If you've got a proverbial monkey fist in your proverbial gullet about something, you can e-mail it to me at matt AT matt-wallace.com in the form of text, audio, or video. The more interesting and creative your question/comment, the more likely I am not to shun it as the offerings of an idiot manchild and actually answer/address it on the podcast.

In addition to these weekly video addresses, there will be a lot more content offered on KILL (the) FEED in the very near future. Including, hopefully, my long-awaited new podcast novel. But for now, prepare to deal with Matt Fucking Wallace live and in living color on a weekly basis.

Frankly, I don't think you've got the stones for it. But you can always subscribe and try'n prove me wrong.

Letters to UFC Ultimate Fight Night Live!

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 04:32:56 GMT

Dear Mike Goldberg's Endless Explanation of Leg Kicks,

Take the hint and LET IT GO.

Sincerely,
Joe Rogan's Oppressive Silence.

-

Dear Mac Danzig,

While you were drunkenly explaining to the cop on New Year's Eve that A) She looked eighteen. B) She did not look like a hooker. And that C) She definitely did not look like a dude, I was in bed with a glass of warm milk and some cookies right after the ball dropped.

Sincerely,
Josh Neer

-

Dear 250 Lbs. Sack of Shit,

Nevermind. We found an equally suitable opponent to help put over Cain Valasquez.

Sincerely,
The UFC Hype Machine

-

Dear Joe Lauzon,

I admire your skillz, dude, but seriously, lets you and I keep our distance unless you're staring down the Dungeon Master over a game of D&D.

Sincerely,
Trash Talk

Letters to UFC 94

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 04:21:09 GMT

Dear Speed Freaks,

I.O.U. ten pounds of crystal meth.

Sincerely,
Clay Guida's Entrance

-

Dear UFC Fans,

Fuck you. Fuck the fifty dollar tab tacked onto your cable bill for this pay-per-view, fuck that two-drink minimum at the sports bar, fuck the hundreds upon hundreds of dollars you dropped on Rolling Stones-overpriced tickets and getting to this show because none of you actually live here.

Seriously. Right up the ass, baby.

Sincerely,
Decision Victories

Dictated, not read,
The Main Card

-

Dear Lyoto Machida.

Give the laurels time to cool and set before you start resting on them, skippy. Elsewise they may deflate beneath the weight of your massive sense of entitlement.

Sincerely,
Your First Knock-Out

-

Dear BJ Penn,

Unless Vaseline can dry in the span of minutes, thus crystalizing into a razor-edged stalactite capable of cutting your skull to within a millimeter of your fucking brain pan . . . just shut up, dude.

Sincerely,
The Intense Three-Round Beating You Just Took

-

Dear Greasy-Fingered Corner Man,

If you needed an excuse to give me a homoerotic massage that badly you could've just roofied me backstage. Keep it out of the ring, man.

Sincerely,
Georges St-Pierre

Because I wait 'til all the cool kids are doing it.

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 22:55:20 GMT

It seems as though within the last week every single person whose blog I follow has posted one of these, and in almost every case it was because they'd been "tagged" multiple times and put it off. In an effort to protect my internet karma and because I've ignored multiple tags myself, I offer the following.

*I had early plans to do a theme version, but a brilliant cocksucker by the name of Tod Goldberg beat me to it and now it would just be weak sauce.

1) I lived in LA during the Rodney King riots, NYC during 9/11, and Dallas when pieces of the Columbia rained over Texas. I am quite obviously a carrier.
2) I don't drink beer or wine.
3) I've never taken a painkiller stronger than aspirin.
4) If it has an edge, I can pierce a target as small as a playing card with it from fifteen feet away. Ironically, I cannot pierce that target *with* a playing card. Because it's fucking stupid, and Ricky Jay can blow me.
5) Whatever writing style I've developed wouldn't exist without the works of William Goldman and Poppy Z. Brite. Goldman for his wonderful run-on sentences and his stark and disturbing character psychology, and Poppy for exploding my idea of language vis-a-vis simile and metaphor very early on (although I didn't get the "vis-a-vis" thing from her, I'm sure she'd be delighted to know).
6) I don't have any tattoos.
7) I look like my father, despite the fact he is over a foot shorter than me.
8) I've broken 85% of the bones on the right side of my body, and virtually none of the bones on my left side.
9) The first novel I ever read cover-to-cover was a paperback copy of the third volume in Tracy Hickman and Margaret Weiss' Dragonlance Chronicles that I found under my desk in language arts class (which I still have). The second was Beowulf.
10) I snap with my ring finger.
11) I wrestled at both the ECW Arena in Philadelphia and the Madhouse of Extreme in Queens, New York before ECW went out of business in 2001 (which, for the record, it still is).
12) Among the objects on my writing dark are a Darth Maul cookie jar, a 13" poseable figure of Kazuyuki "Ironhead" Fujita that was a birthday gift from Christa Faust, an Apex Digest mug I won in a writing contest, a chicken-shaped egg timer, a Magic 8-ball, and a framed photograph of two of the most beautiful girls in the world (they know who they are).
13) I've studied judo, Sayoc Kali, Eskrima, kendo, Krav Maga, Pankration, aikido, catch wrestling, and Nuba wrestling, yet the only "belt" I've ever held was in Tae Kwon Do. It was white, I was eleven, and it lasted all of two weeks. Even then I did not function well within the group dynamic.
14) The first concert I ever attended was part of John Denver's Earth Songs tour. And you know what? It was AWESOME.
16) I'd want Jon Favreau to play me in the movie of my life. Somewhere between his Rudy and his Swingers weight.
17) I'm pretty well versed in Thai, Indonesian, and Ethiopian cooking, among others.
18) I once crashed a Temptations press conference at The Motown Cafe and was ejected by the hostess and a little person who looked and dressed exactly like her.
19) I love Christmas, and rock my Santa hat every day throughout December.
20) I was inspired to learn the guitar after watching the Ralph Macchio/Steve Vai "cuttin' heads" scene in Walter Hill's 1986 film Crossroads.
15) The only person to ever knock me out was a girl.
21) My all-time favorite comedian is Bill Hicks, my all-time favorite tipple is rum, and my all-time favorite color is the arterial red of my enemies' blood.
22) I know all the words to over 200 rap and hip hop songs.
23) I'd like to own my own dojo. It would be a private combat club. I have the name picked out and everything.
24) I often feign ignorance on certain subjects in order to ascertain how full of shit a person is. It works. Try it.
25) In almost three years of blogging I've only posted three memes, including this one.

Matt-Wallace.com is live!

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 00:30:36 GMT

Matt-Wallace.com is now fully live, fully loaded, and fully ready to go all Videodrome on your eyes and asses.

This is an Andre the Giant-sized step forward for my web presence and a totally new digital experience for my listeners/readers. Among the many newer and deadlier twists and turns, Matt-Wallace.com now offers you . . .

- The latest up-to-the-minute news on all of my current projects. With pictures. Bright, shiny pictures. Because my career requires that kind of 23-hour multi-media Sports Center-esque coverage.

- New photo galleries, and a new "Fan Pic of the Week" feature. Shoot one expressing your borderline stalkery fandom to matt AT matt-wallace.com and it could be you! IN THE SIDEBAR.

- Easy navigation to every associative satellite in the Matt f'n Wallace universe. Books, podiobooks, short stories, podcasts, interviews. We've mapped every single point of interest and every piece of work across the internet from the highest Hollywood web host to the lowliest server in Timbuktu. You'll never have to type my name or a single title into Google again. Which is good. Because that's how they find you.

- My blog is now ON-SITE at Matt-Wallace.com and you can even get my Twitter right on the website itself so you don't have to sift through your endless stream of update follows to find mine. It's a lot like a Vegas casino. We want to take your money by keeping you inundated and temporally deprived so you never leave.

- It is now easier than ever to contact your humble narrator. Just look in the righthand sidebar for details. This is especially important because I want to hear what you freaks and fiends would like to see on Matt-Wallace.com with an emphasis on the kind of interactive features that you'd dig and actually USE. No idea is too stupid. Well. Maybe not "no idea," but hit me up anyway.

Go. Consume. And lastly, raise the banner far and wide across the interwebs. I am Muad'dib, you are my Feydakin death commandos, and this is the standard of our universe-wide jihad.

The above is only one of a host of banner designs created by Hurdy Gur, Inc. in different styles and sizes. Find the one that suits your own website/needs in the links section.

Finally, I want to acknowledge and verbally fellate Jack "The Helljack" Townsend, the man behind Hurdy Gur, Inc. and Matt-Wallace.com without whom this party would never of gotten set off. If you're interested in acquiring the services of Hurdy Gur, Inc. for your own web design needs, information can be found on the site.

Pieces of Ate

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 16:54:20 GMT

Issue #7 of Murky Depths has dropped and not only does it continue the unanswered assault of Britain's best comics/fiction magazine, it features the return of Depth Charge, my quarterly column about whatever the fuck I feel needs busting on. This issue's Depth Charge is entitled "Fucking Vampires" and in it I sound off on genre fiction trends from Twilight to those pesky urban shaman.

Including an exclusive interview with none other than Chris Moore and featuring the prose and comics of Willie Meikle, CS MacCath, James Johnson, Jason Palmer, Luke Cooper, Bill Ward, Ian Rogers, Kevin Brown, Paul Milliken, and William Douglas Goodman (as well as a slew of nex-level-talented artists helping to bring their stories to life), this is without a doubt the only print magazine you need to buy this month.

It's been a while since I've talked about Murky Depths. I've had to step down as co-editor of the magazine, due entirely to the time constraints of trying to manage a writing career in, like, five different fields. I've turned the reins over to Anne Stringer, who is knocking the shit out of the position. Which is in no way surprising, considering I taught her everything she knows. I'm like Duncan MacLeod and she's my Richie Ryan. Oh, that's right, I did in fact just drop the Highlander: The Series reference on you.

I still love the magazine and I still think it is the single highest quality fiction periodical out there. It may in fact be the last great piece of pulp on the planet. And as long as Terry continues to publish it, I'll continue to contribute whatever I can to its violently beautiful pages.

Murky Depths is doing just fine with Matt Fucking Wallace in a strictly contributor capacity, however. They're ever-approaching that vaunted ISSUE TEN and they're already having a stellar year with the short-listing of Vinny Chong's issue four cover for a BSFA Best Art Award.

It’s the three-year anniversary of Variant Frequencies, and we're marking the occasion by doing what we do best: owning the ungodly fuck out of your ears, minds, hearts, and souls with the single most highly-produced podcast fiction in the entire goddamn world. Period.

The story is "Creature of God" by podfic original Jack Mangan, and in a long history of fully cast, fully scored, fully fucking-your-shit-up episodes, this may be producer Rick Stringer's crowning achievement. I was so moved by the scope of his vision for this one that I even agreed to read for one of the characters. This is only the second short story to which I have EVER lent my voice, and as if that weren't more than enough, I play a Catholic priest in this one.

You heard it here, folks.

Featuring an all-star cast that includes Heather Welliver, Kreg Steppe, John Cmar, Matt Wallace, J.C. Hutchins, Chris Lester, Seth Harwood, Neil Stringer, and Scott Sigler, "Creature of God" by Jack Mangan is more than a short story podcast, it's audio cinema of the absolute highest caliber. I defy anyone at any level of this industry with any amount of resources at their disposal to match the craft and sheer entertainment value of this fucker.

Seriously. Bring it.

Thoughts on Affliction: Day of Reckoning

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 02:45:18 GMT

I began writing "Letters to UFC" because of my intense love for mixed martial arts and my even more intense displeasure with the UFC's product and corporate policies. It is an outlet for me to vent my frustrations. As I am experiencing none of those same frustrations with upstart MMA powerhouse Affliction, I wasn't feeling the same format. But I've still received numerous e-mails, Twitter messages, etc., asking when you'll see "Letters to Affliction" from me. I present the following compromise.

Enjoy.

- Affliction could very well be everything PRIDE FC was and the UFC will never be again. Which is exactly why the UFC will buy them out if it takes every dollar in Dana White's emergency reserve head polish fund.

- Babalu epitomizes that journeyman fighter/gatekeeper in a way that fills me with both pride and pity.

- Sokoudjou epitomizes that Mark Kerr-type fighter who begins like a demonic freight train and derails spectacularly the moment someone actually makes negative contact with it.

- Josh Barnett is one of the few pure catch wrestlers in MMA, or at least one of the very few to have had a serious impact on the sport. Catch wrestling is the foundation of pro-wrestling, and as a catch wrestler it is among my absolute favorite combat disciplines. Catch wrestlers are, by definition, grinders. They don't make highlight reels. That philosophy was defined in the way Barnett beat the living fucklights out of Gilbert Yvel for three rounds. It may not have been flash bang eye candy, but it was Grinding 101 and I dug the hell out of it.

- It took Matt Lindland 37 seconds to illustrate why it wouldn't have made one livid fuck of a difference whether or not Fedor held onto that top rope in their last fight. Plus points for conciseness. Minus points for GETTING OWNED LIKE THE LITTLE BITCH YOU ARE. Ahem.

- I would pay money if Tito Ortiz would just shut the fuck up. I'd pay even more if his silence was the result of Jenna Jameson shoving a studded dildo down his throat.

- Despite getting pwned early, Andrei was still looking like the Arlovski of old. He just happened to be doing so against the best professional fighter on the planet.

- Fedor's counterpunch off Arlovski's flying knee in the corner = Early knock-out/finish of the year contender. It was like the fucking Matrix, only with sustainable follow through.

Letters to UFC 93

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 02:05:08 GMT

Dear Michael Bisping,

It's not because you're British, it's because you're a fucking penile drip.

Sincerely,
That Resounding Chorus Of BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!!!!

-

Dear Marcus Davis,

1992 called. It wants its entrance music back.

Sincerely,
A Joke From The Same Era

PS-No, really, great fight. You're a perennial favorite 'round these parts.

-

Dear Team Hammer House,

This is an official notice informing you that your douche bag emissions are in violation of our guidelines.

Sincerely,
The EPA

-

Dear UFC Fans,

Seriously, don't encourage him. You're only making it worse.

Sincerely,
Mark Coleman's Beckoning Retirement

-

Dear Shogun,

I haven't seen such a talented guy put over such a middling hack SO WELL since every single match I had in my career ever.

Sincerely,
Hulk Hogan

MAIDENHEAD, Revisited

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 01:12:48 GMT

Director Julian Grant (RoboCop: Prime Directives) has completed production on MAIDENHEAD, his short film based on my 2007 pulp crime yarn of the same name. The finished product is a pretty damn unique blend of throwback noir and retro new wave/avant-garde that certainly held my attention when I watched it.

Julian is cool cat. He's a bona fide contributor to the RoboCop canon AND he's the only director in the history of cinema with the titanium sack to cast Steve Guttenberg as an action hero (oh, Mahoney, what could have been . . .). When he contacted me last year about this project I wasn't sure what to expect, but it's turned out to be a worthwhile experience on several levels.

Short films are not just a filler category at the Oscars. They've always been a starting point for a lot of our most talented storytellers and a very valid and often kickass form of art/entertainment. I've got a crappy VHS bootleg of James Cameron's Xenogenesis from his film student days (on the same tape with, coincidentally, a pirate copy of the T2: 3-D Battle Across Time attraction from Universal Studios. Rock) and as wholly cheese-filled as it is you can see the shades of greatness that were to fill in later, before pressure sickness from spending a decade at the bottom of the fucking ocean broke the man's brain.

And in recent years with the advent of all this new technology short films have really become a wellspring of awesome. I must’ve seen that French-made Green Hornet one (where GH is, for the first time, NOT a raging pussy who hides behind Kato's pant leg) fifty times. One of the flicks I'm the most jazzed about in 2009 is Neill Blomkamp's District 9 based on his short film Alive in Joberg that's been floating around the internet for some time. He's the same dude who turned heads and blew up skirts with his Halo shorts/trailers. And there is not a geek among you who hasn't marked out to the nonsensical crossover badassery of Batman: Dead End.

So it's cool to have a piece of myself in the mix of that whole milieu. I'd like someone to dig it up on YouTube, or whatever Apple renames it when they finally buy the whole thing, years from now and marvel at where my stuff started and where it ended up.

Julian, being old school, has informed me of his intentions to enter MAIDENHEAD in several film festivals. Will keep you posted.

In 19 Days, 04 Hours, 18 Minutes, 23 Seconds . . .

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 01:44:03 GMT

. . . HurdyGur, Inc. presents . . .

Matt-Wallace.com

Your website just crapped its bandwidth.

Day One

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 01:06:45 GMT

All right, so technically it's day seven. What do you want, man? I blogged twenty-five straight days last month. Give a brother time to decompress.

First and foremost, thanks for your responses to the F'n Advent throughout and after December. Thanks for purchasing copies of The Next Fix for Christmas. Thanks to everyone who jam-packed The Tiki Bar on Second Life for the baddest virtual holiday throwdown this side of the fucking Matrix.

Just thanks.

I make you a promise here and now, true believers: This year doesn't know who the fuck it's dealing with. First up in 2009 we've got a double-bill main event deadline to hit, kick things off with a steel-toed rocket-propelled boot. The date is February 1st and the goals are as follow: 1) Have my new novel LETHAL BORN finished, sharpened up, and ready to ignite a bidding war amongst agents and editors alike. 2) See my new, improved, next-gen, state-of-the-motherfucking-art website/imperial on-line hub go live in support of #1.

And then, in the immortal words of Leonard Cohen, we take Manhattan.

2009 has begun very light and dark. I've got no center and I'm on no sleep. On the plus side, last night I started writing after 10:00, burned thru 1,500 words by 4:00, hit the gym like a zombie on crystal meth in hopes of cranking out that endorphins/adrenaline/serotonin/dopamine four-shot to see me by, strung up a heavy bag and beat the shit out of it for a while when I decided that neurotransmitter cocktail wasn't getting it done (as a result I've got an index finger the color of chilled violets and my Champion duffel bag looks like the throwers at BNA failed anger management class). After a shower I smoked another 1,500 words to make it an even 3k for the "day."

It's a neat trick if and when you can pull it off. And if you can straddle the razor-wire fence between insomnia and full-blown dementia. Assuming I've got, say, five nights a week like that out of the next three weeks, my deadline should be no problem. There is the hiccup that I'm also not sleeping during the day, but don't bother me with the details. I'll sleep when I’m dead. Which, considering I'm going to live forever and crush the useless gonads of my enemies under my fucking boot heel, is going to be a helluva long time from now.

I'm looking forward to 2009. I'm looking forward to my first scripted feature film actually finally shooting. I'm looking forward to breaking on thru to the other side of the fabled Industries. I'm looking forward to traveling, hitting up Belfast to shred Queens University with my man in a foreign land, Dave Kanter. I'm looking forward to Robert Downey, Jr. playing an ass-kickin' revamp of Sherlock Holmes.

But above all else, I am looking forward to entertaining you for one more year.

The F'n Advent: DAY TWENTY-FIVE

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 02:58:09 GMT

I know. I know. You thought you'd opened all your Christmas presents, right? You're diggin' on that shiny new iPhone. You're deciding what to name the pony. If you're Evo Terra you're fervently pouring through the instruction manual of your new spaceage laser-guided cock measuring device. In any case, all the shredded wrapping paper has been swept up, the bows collected (because no one throws away good bows), and the holiday gift giving concluded for another year.

Wrong. So, so wrong.

The fourth and final episode of The End of Flesh is now live and available for download on Variant Frequencies. It is, in the parlance of the old school serials, the exciting conclusion.

It's not a new iPhone. It's BETTER.

Thanks as always to the man behind the frequencies, Rick Stringer, for yet another in a long and blood-pumping series of phantasmagorically produced fiction podcasts. I hope you've enjoyed the ride. And if you've been waiting for all the episodes to go live before you partook, dig in already, you anal retentive bastard, you.

Merry f'n Christmas to all, and to all some really f'ed up dreams.

The F'n Advent: DAY TWENTY-FOUR

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 23:49:57 GMT

There's no wrong way to spend your Christmas Eve.

Above all things around this time of year, I believe there's always some magic left in that old silk hat. I believe in the mojo of the holiday season. I believe tonight it's at its most potent. I believe it extends to all things and all peoples. I do not believe I am naive or hokey or unhip in this regard.

And I believe as long as your movements flow according to the whims of the great holiday magnet, there's no wrong way to spend your Christmas Eve.

You're soul-deep in home and hearth and kin. You're far away from home with a few friends. You're defying HR conventions at an office party. You're carving up a turkey basted in butter and badassery. You're busting knuckles outside a Brooklyn bar and there's blood on the snow and before you know it you're comparing bruises with your opponents over beers and laughing like the merry Irish.

You're alone.

There are as many ways to spend your Christmas Eve as there are stories in the naked city. Sometimes you're alone. This is not necessarily a cause for an emotional wake. In our lives I think we all have to spend the occasional Christmas Eve alone. My health has kind of been shit this season. I had to miss out on the coming together of good friends. I don't get to share this evening with the woman I love. So I've chosen to spend my Christmas Eve alone.

But there will be no emotional wake. I'm going to rock my Santa hat, I'm going to make swank hors d'oeuvres and arcane concoctions with rum, I'm going to sit in front of my tree and work on finishing my new novel. And I'm going to smile a sad and sentimental and slightly silly smile when I think about those I've missed this year. And I'm going to form a picture of the years to come when we will be together and partake of excessive drink and possibly even the odd Christmas adventure and I'm going to raise my glass and be grateful for what is to come.

There's no wrong way to spend your Christmas Eve.

The F'n Advent: DAY TWENTY-THREE

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 02:26:10 GMT

Blogging every day for thirty days, you had to expect a cheap cop-out like a survey at some point, right? Right. Actually I wasn't planning to Plan B any of these, but I've kind of blown my wad the last few nights and I need to recoup.

I kifed this from some random dude's blog after I searched "Christmas survey" in Google. I'd link it, but the rest of his blog annoyed me. Merry Christmas.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?

Papier-mache. I'm also fond of surgically implanting them in live animals and forcing my friends and loved ones to hunt them in an elaborate British hedge maze.

2. Real tree or Artificial?

If your living room doesn't smell like the gas chamber in a state prison during a live execution, it is not Christmas.

3. When do you put up the tree?

Three weeks before the day. Any longer than that and your pushing the freshness threshold.

5. Do you like eggnog?

I have a theory that no one really likes eggnog.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?

My Uncle Dwayne gave me a real Army surplus footlocker that he'd stenciled my name on, just like the one he had. I still use it to this day.

7. Hardest person to buy for?

Arab sheiks are probably a bitch. Those motherfuckers have EVERYTHING.

8. Easiest person to buy for?

Homeless people. Because beggars can't be choosers. What?

9. Do you have a nativity scene?

Yes. Always have. I try to stage it differently each year, but it's tough because every figurine except for Mary is staring to their right. So I either have to place them all to the left of Jesus or it seems like they think he’s a really ugly child and are politely looking away to avoid wincing.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?

If you get a Christmas eCard from me it means I don't like you very much.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

Russian mail-order bride. But it's not my cousin's fault. He just forgot to poke holes in the box.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?

Fuck, man. Scrooged is probably the greatest Christmas film ever made, but I'm a full-blown yuletide flick junkie and will generally watch any and all of them with the same verve.

13. When do you start shopping?

When I see something I know someone will like.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

Yes. This is a perfectly honorable practice, especially if you're poor and it's a generic gift. I often think Bed, Bath, and Beyond designs their holiday products specifically to be recycled.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?

Fondue party!

16. Lights on the tree?

Twinkle twinkle, dawg.

17. Favorite Christmas song?

"Christmas in Hollis" by Run DMC, various "Baby, It's Cold Outside" duets, most notably Ray Charles and Betty Carter (I don't support date rape. Just to be clear), "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)" by Ramones, the whole Grinch album, anything sung by Burl Ives, the fuckin' mack daddy of Christmas crooning.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?

Travel during the month, stay home on the day.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer’s?

They already have names, but sure. I want to call them Fang, Barry, Hondo, Bull Montana, Jamal, Sedgwick, J-Train, and Something Wicked This Way Comes.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?

Angel.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?

Christmas Eve for many years now. Christmas morning is really for the kids.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year

How the way it makes me feel completely conflicts with my personality the rest of year, but I don’t worry about it 'til January, generally.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color?

The skulls of my enemies. Which sounds dark, but I do it to honor their memory at this, the time of forgiveness.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?

Paella. Ham. Game hen. I play it by year.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?

I'd like people to buy my book, The Next Fix. I'd like a robotic wallet that shoots laser. I could also use socks.

The F'n Advent: DAY TWENTY-TWO

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:35:49 GMT

I'm a chef in a midtown Manhattan bistro. The menu is mostly Franco-American, although I'd really like to infuse it with more Asian and Mexican cuisine, but I lack the confidence to impose my will upon others. Our lunch crowd is SICK, but the dinner menu is limited and thus I cannot claim hotshit status in the culinary world. I live in a converted loft with two roommates. I'm not retro trendy; I just like having the space.

I'm a columnist for the Desert Sun in Palm Springs. On weekends I play rhythm guitar in a hard-rockin' SoCal bar band called Legend of the Jackalope. We recognize that you're not there to hear our original stuff and we have a crowd-pleasing catalogue of covers.

I'm teaching disarming techniques and knife tactics to cadets at the Los Angeles Police Academy in Elysian Park. I have a small dojo in Fullerton, but I spend a lot of my time on the road holding seminars at law enforcement and survivalist conventions. This has cost me in my personal life.

I'm a NASA mission specialist with two EVA's under my belt. I’ll retire after my fourth shuttle mission and write midlist sci-fi novels. I laugh a lot, but I am really not very funny at all.

Parallel universes? Totally believe in them. Maybe not in a Sliders way, but I'll buy the concept that every possible outcome in any given situation does in fact come to pass sooner than I’ll buy the concept of a Biblical afterlife, anyway.

I think many of us look in the mirror at one time or another and see the mid-range version of our possible selves, straddling a temporal fence of extremes. You're not a three-toothed off-meds transient stewing in some gutter holding one-way dialogues with your dead third aunt in Yiddish which you don’t even speak (hopefully), but you're also not running a Fortune 500 company and collecting houses full of priceless art you'll never step foot in with money you pocket from your customers and employees equally (hopefully)

Contentment always seems to me like the most illusory of pursuits, man. Far more so than success or happiness. Which is weird when you think about how simple contentment is supposed to be. But all kinds of shit makes you happy every day. A cheeseburger makes you happy. Masturbating makes you happy. Sitcoms make you happy, for fuck sake. And success, unless you're the type of person with one singular stratospheric pursuit, is measured in the attainment of an ever-evolving series of goals. Some you hit, some you miss.

Neither happiness nor success necessarily equals contentment. Contentment to me is as close to a perfect state of being as one can get in the modern world. Being content with your surroundings, your situation, your station in life, and yourself. That's the brass ring of serenity right there. I think at best we find ourselves perfectly centered maybe two or three times a year (I get most of mine around the holidays in front of my tree. A Christmas tree to me is the ultimate symbol of contentment), and it's always for a few minutes at the absolute most. If you're really lucky you can find contentment with another person, and it can even excuse the rest of those relationships. Exceptions to every rule.

Living in a universe of infinite possibilities sounds great when you read it on a poster in some dude's cubical, but when it comes to a practical application I think it fucks you up a lot of the time. Because it's all those possibilities that gives you the feeling of unrest with your status/station/surroundings. On whatever level, you end up wondering where on the totem poll of your possible selves your current self measures.

Well, allow me if I may to grant your unspoken holiday wish. You're cool, dude. Trust me. You're working your mojo and your potential with as much verve as your circumstance will allow and chances are you'd be just as aghast with your parallel selves as people as they would be with you, so don't worry about it.

Sit in front of your tree in the dark and be content. And try to hang onto it when all those little twinkling lights go out.