The Next Fix

Go ahead; I defy you to tell me your eyes aren't oppositely hard and wet as they gaze upon the graphic masterpiece to my immediate right. I dare you to raise an argument as I proclaim that bit of visual coitus the ocular quickie of the century.

I dare you.

You're looking at the cover of the latest issue of Murky Depths. You can't tell from the adjoining image, but that artwork actually wraps around both the front and back cover of the 'zine itself. It's a genre-crossing mosaic that I fell in love with as soon as I opened up my contributor's copies. In what is coming up on three years of *the* tastiest covers in both literary and illustrated magazines, this is my undisputed favorite. It ranks right beside Vinny Chong's orgasmic and award-nominated steampunk-inspired cover from several issues back.

And as if that weren't enough, my name is on it. A blow-up is SO going on my office wall.

My new DEPTH CHARGE column rounds out this issue. It's entitled "The Replacement Storytellers" and focuses on the gadgetry housing our stories today, and the descendants of said gadgetry that might be telling our stories tomorrow.

Witness a brief excerpt . . .

We are all becoming the Three Little Pigs of this even newer digital age. We’ve ditched the sticks and straw for much rawer building blocks, for ions and lithium and silicon and savage steel. Our refining techniques, however, make nursery rhyme magicks look like a Taiwanese hooker’s ping pong ball trick. We architect microcosmic wonders so sleek and deft in design that they become mundane as quickly as we can snap them to our belts or sheath them in a silicone skin holster.

I was in the zone, kids.

On a related note, I'm currently looking to fatten my freelance portfolio. So if you are a magazine editor, or have the ear/genitals of a magazine editor, there is no subject, genre, or cultural niche I cannot dissect and reassemble into pure distilled word fetishism.

Seriously. I write words good. Pass it on.

Issue #7 of Murky Depths has dropped and not only does it continue the unanswered assault of Britain's best comics/fiction magazine, it features the return of Depth Charge, my quarterly column about whatever the fuck I feel needs busting on. This issue's Depth Charge is entitled "Fucking Vampires" and in it I sound off on genre fiction trends from Twilight to those pesky urban shaman.

Including an exclusive interview with none other than Chris Moore and featuring the prose and comics of Willie Meikle, CS MacCath, James Johnson, Jason Palmer, Luke Cooper, Bill Ward, Ian Rogers, Kevin Brown, Paul Milliken, and William Douglas Goodman (as well as a slew of nex-level-talented artists helping to bring their stories to life), this is without a doubt the only print magazine you need to buy this month.

It's been a while since I've talked about Murky Depths. I've had to step down as co-editor of the magazine, due entirely to the time constraints of trying to manage a writing career in, like, five different fields. I've turned the reins over to Anne Stringer, who is knocking the shit out of the position. Which is in no way surprising, considering I taught her everything she knows. I'm like Duncan MacLeod and she's my Richie Ryan. Oh, that's right, I did in fact just drop the Highlander: The Series reference on you.

I still love the magazine and I still think it is the single highest quality fiction periodical out there. It may in fact be the last great piece of pulp on the planet. And as long as Terry continues to publish it, I'll continue to contribute whatever I can to its violently beautiful pages.

Murky Depths is doing just fine with Matt Fucking Wallace in a strictly contributor capacity, however. They're ever-approaching that vaunted ISSUE TEN and they're already having a stellar year with the short-listing of Vinny Chong's issue four cover for a BSFA Best Art Award.

It’s the three-year anniversary of Variant Frequencies, and we're marking the occasion by doing what we do best: owning the ungodly fuck out of your ears, minds, hearts, and souls with the single most highly-produced podcast fiction in the entire goddamn world. Period.

The story is "Creature of God" by podfic original Jack Mangan, and in a long history of fully cast, fully scored, fully fucking-your-shit-up episodes, this may be producer Rick Stringer's crowning achievement. I was so moved by the scope of his vision for this one that I even agreed to read for one of the characters. This is only the second short story to which I have EVER lent my voice, and as if that weren't more than enough, I play a Catholic priest in this one.

You heard it here, folks.

Featuring an all-star cast that includes Heather Welliver, Kreg Steppe, John Cmar, Matt Wallace, J.C. Hutchins, Chris Lester, Seth Harwood, Neil Stringer, and Scott Sigler, "Creature of God" by Jack Mangan is more than a short story podcast, it's audio cinema of the absolute highest caliber. I defy anyone at any level of this industry with any amount of resources at their disposal to match the craft and sheer entertainment value of this fucker.

Seriously. Bring it.

There’s a whole lotta badassery going on these days over on the Variant Frequencies podcast. As a public service announcement I wanted to make sure the readers of my blog had to chance to get in on it. So sing with me now . . .

Collectible Propaganda, or: Why Baseball Cards Are SO Last Century

As part of his massive 7th Son: OBSIDIAN project (of which your humble narrator is a honored contributor), J.C. Hutchins has unveiled his newest viral marketing coup. And this may very well be one of my favorites. Those guys who came up with that whole “Why So Serious?” thing for The Dark Knight? Pussies. No, seriously.

Hutch has created fourteen incredible, collectible, and printable propaganda posters and given each one to a different but equally badass website/podcast/blog to include in their feed. Which poster is available where? That’s up to you to figure out as you scavenge for them all. Head over to Variant Frequencies to learn more AND to collect your first high-res OBSIDIAN poster.

These things are the height of pimp, kids. I plan to get each one printed on a t-shirt and wear them during the anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis (it’s the only thing I could think of that totals fourteen days. Shut up).


Saint Darwin’s Swag Contest

The cross-promotional media exchange bonanza that is “St. Darwin’s Spirituals” by D.K. Thompson on Variant Frequencies and in the pages of Murky Depths continues with a sick contest giveaway of some extremely collectible swag.

From producer Rick Stringer . . .

Terry Martin, the Managing Editor and Publisher of Murky Depths , has offered us two copies of Murky Depths Issue #4 to give away. Each issue will be signed by the author of "Saint Darwin's Spirituals ," D.K. Thompson, and signed by the cover artist, Vincent Chong . Here are the rules: send an email to variantfrequencies@gmail.com with the subject "Murky Depths Contest." In the email you need to tell us the name of one other story that appears in Issue #4 of Murky Depths. It is easy to find out the names of the other stories by going to murkydepths.com . Two winners will be drawn from the list of people who send us the correct answer. All entries must be in by May 31, 2008. We will announce the winners on our podcast in June.

I’m just pissed that I’m not eligible to enter, man. I mean, I don’t have a copy signed by Vinny f’n Chong OR D.K. Thompson and I edit the fuckin’ magazine. You know how much you could flip that shit for on eBay?

You people don’t know how lucky you are.

I tried to warn you. Now it’s here and you’re all screwed. Okay, not really, but I *did* warn you about the following cross-promotional, multi-media, genre-exploding short fiction PUBLISHING EVENT.

First and foremost, I give you the fourth issue of Murky Depths with cover art by BFS Artist of the Year Vincent Chong. Prepare to ruin your undergarments . . .

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Short Stories

“Demon Lover” by Sam Stone
”Saint Darwin's Sprirituals” by D K Thompson
”Miracle Michael” by A. Pignatella
”First Aid” by Edward Morris
“Flave's Formula” by Jason Palmer
“The Man With The Hologram Face” by Louise Cypher
”Paternoster Blues” by Richard Barber
“Casting Sin” by C.S. MacCarth
”Day Boy” by Trent Jamieson

Comics

The Dark Gospel 3 - Halo Slipping by Luke Cooper
Rex The Dog by Mur Lafferty & Dan Gardner
Warped by James Johnson & Leonardo M Giron]
The Visitor R.D. Hall & Denis Pacher




ALSO in this issue, an interview with Vincent Chong and my new Depth Charge column. It’s entitled “When It Stomps Beneath the Terra” and in it I examine the evolution and current state of underground arts and media. Or something similarly intelligent sounding like that.

But you know that’s not the end of your emotional, intellectual, and psychological ass-kicking, kids . . .

”Saint Darwin’s Spirituals” by D.K. Thompson is also now live in audio form on the Variant Frequencies podcast. Featuring the music of mindgasming steampunk band Abney Park and the vocal stylings of Rick and Anne Stringer, Maia Whitaker, Ali Groves (who is NOT, in fact, Irish), and Agent Dani Cutler, this is far and away one of the highest quality episodes in a two and a half year history of the highest quality podcast out there.

So there it is, folks. Buy, read, download, listen. This is a new one in short fiction marketing. And we chose the best possible story to pop its cherry. Be a part of it.

Much like Christmas and drunken proclamations of my sexual desire for John Cusack, it only happens once a year. It’s Apex Digest’s annual subscription drive. Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest is, without exaggeration, the best fiction quarterly(that-does-not-also-showcase-comics) on the planet Earth. It is also the sister magazine of the Apex Book Division, publishers of my debut short story collection The Next Fix.

The purpose of this bitch is simple: Go here and buy a subscription to the magazine. You can pick up a one-year subscription for the insanely thrifty tag of twenty bucks, OR a lifetime subscription for one hundred bucks. And that’s legit. For a mere hundred bones you never have to renew or pay more.

People have been doing weird shit to drum up business for Apex. Jodi Lee, the ravishing creature who backed up editor Deb Taber on The Next Fix., has vowed to dye chunks of her hair alien green. David Montoya of Magus Press is giving away free books. Some other chick I don’t know is doing something else I don’t recall offhand.

Being an Apex reader and contributor, and an official member of the Apex Publications family, I want to do my part. I have no luck getting you fuckers to do things en masse, so here’s what I’ve come up. This is some serious shit. You don’t want to miss out on this.

If you buy a one-year subscription to Apex Digest (again, for the low, low price of twenty American clams) you may redeem your purchase for one of the following:

1) A game of on-line Scrabble with the author, Matt Wallace (otherwise known as me), at an appointed time of your choosing. Either Literati on Yahoo! or Scrabulous on Facebook. This includes game-long chat with same. I am awesome and you will not win. But it will be an experience. That I promise.

2) The author, Matt Wallace (also me), will compose an angry rant targeted at someone you fucking hate and post it in his blog (here). It doesn’t matter who it is. George W. Bush, some dude or chick at work, a band you think sucks, an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. It will be at least a thousand words. I will incorporate any and all negative traits you list for me. I will flat out make shit up to assure everyone who reads it knows what a complete mouth breathing waste of fucking life they are. They will cry.

Now, if you purchase a LIFETIME subscription (one hundred bones, regular issues of Apex Digest ‘til the end of your days) you will be eligible for one of two GRAND PRIZES. I thought long and hard on these. Check it out:

1) A limited engagement, one-time-only, in-depth critique. Your short story, your screenplay, your manuscript. Whatever. I will evaluate, I will comment, I will suggest. If it really impresses me I may even pass it along to the fabled RIGHT PEOPLE. Who knows.

I will NOT line edit.

Why do you want this? Because I’m awesome. No, seriously. All right, fine, but I have picked up a thing or two along the way you might just find valuable. I am, after all, a professional screenwriter, a published author, and co-editor of the other greatest fiction quarterly on the planet Earth, Murky Depths. I’ve even won awards. Like, more than one. I know some shit.

Why is this valuable (as in, worth a hundred dollars)? Because I never do it. I don’t like you. It’s nothing personal. I just hate writers. They’re awful, pretentious fucks. All of ‘em. I don’t do workshops, crit groups, seminars, message boards. I’d rather have my dick slammed repeatedly in a sliding glass door than sit in a semi-circle with a pack of aspiring authors and discuss the fucking Elements of Style. It’s like being water boarded with bullshit. So this is an extremely rare offer, and one I am not likely to make in any other context ever.

2) If you’re not, in fact, a writer (which would shock the hell out of me, as I’ve come to believe everyone is at this point), you may redeem your subscription purchase for the following: One (1) DVD from my personal collection. That’s right. I will send you a list of all the DVD’s I own, from which you may select one title, which I will then send to you. I will also autograph the case and include a Polaroid of myself giving you the finger for taking the movie you’ve chosen away from me. I love my DVD’s. I will personalize and date the Polaroid upon request.

I am serious about all of these fabulous prizes. Simply leave a comment or send me an e-mail to confirm your purchase and to let me know which one you want. If you’ve already purchased a subscription you are not eligible. And I will be checking.

Hey, man. Listen up. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. You know that horror anthology you bought because that chick from your crit group has a story in it? It sucks. You know what? You know that second season of newuniversal? It sucks. That new issue of Science Fiction & Fantasy? I don't know if there is one this month, but if there is? It sucks.

I can say this. Because I know. Because I . . . am co-editor of Murky Depths.

And you know, if you want to be a Murky Depths reader, you know what? You might already be one. And you don't even know it. You know? Sorta like being gay. You're walking around, you know something's up. You just don't know what it is yet. You see, MD readers aren't made, they're born. I bet right now in Africa there's some guy, madly beating on a drum. He's one. Or an old lady on a bus, sucking humbugs. She's a rider on the storm. And she don't even know it.

I do. Because I am co-editor of Murky Depths.

So if you want to be an MD reader, I'm going to tell you how to do it right. It's very scientific. Don't just buy the latest issue. That's for housewives and little girls. If you want to be an MD reader, use this direct buy link and pick up issues 1-3. If you read the right stories and comics from each one in the right order they will tell you the meaning of life. Then you have to go to Warren motherfuckin' Ellis' Freakangels.com, where normal angels fear to tread. Read just enough of his mad ravings to realize that you're too cool to be offended by them. Then you're ready to visit Murky Depth's thread in the Whitechapel forums (oh, yes, we have one) and find out that right now, all Whitechapel patrons can get two pounds (roughly four American bones) off a subscription to Murky Depths until the 11th of May.

What's the occasion? It's simple. Simple like a NUCLEAR FUCKING EXPLOSION. Issue Four is about to drop at the mammoth Bristol International Comic Expo the weekend of May 11th. But this is no mere unveiling.

You see that? No, you don't. Because we can't even show it to you. Because the issue four cover by BSFW Award-winning Artist of the Year Vincent Chong, creator of the artwork that has bound the likes of Stephen King and John Scalzi, is still too potent for human consumption. We recently tested it on a group of state convicts. There were twenty-four confirmed cases of death by spontaneous apparitious skullfucking via the eye cavities. But in all seriousness, this is the single most amazing piece of art I have ever seen on a magazine cover. Mr. Chong was moved to create it for us after reading one issue four story in particular. It's totally original, totally badass, and alone makes this issue an instant collector's item. It is quite possibly the most electrifying cover in arts and entertainment today. If you smell what I'm cookin'.

But a genre-and-media-crossed magazine does not a cover make. Between Mr. Chong's stunning creation we're bringing the goods like we've yet to do. Witness: the premiere of Rex the Dog written by Mur Lafferty. Mur is quite literally one of the top five most popular authors of podcast fiction in the whole fucking world, and this is her FIRST offering as a comics scribe. Her WORLD-WIDE INTERGALACTIC GRAPHIC LITERATURE DEBUT, folks. And it's happening in the pages of MD. We've also got R.D. Hall, contributor of some of the most exciting and well-written chapters of the Heroes graphic novel on NBC.com AND creator of one of my favorite comic books of the new millennium, the Arcana Studio-released American Wasteland. He makes his MD debut. While on the other end of the spectrum our resident repeat offender Edward Morris is back for his THIRD appearance in the MD Universe, and this time his short fiction offering puts the freshest spin on an old horror standard I've seen in quite a while. Not to mention I ignite a new Depth Charge with a piece entitled "When It Stomped Beneath the Terra . . ."

And that's not even the half of it.

In a cross-promotional multimedia extravaganza destined to make history, the Variant Frequencies podcast in conjunction with Murky Depths will be SIMULTANEOUSLY releasing "Saint Darwin's Spirituals" by DK Thompson in both print and audio form. This is the story that inspired Vincent f'n Chong, folks. The day issue four hits the streets, you will have the option of reading it the good old-fashioned way in our top-quality publication with amazing accompanying art, OR heading over to VF and downloading it in audio form. The podcast version will also include music by none other than ABNEY PARK. We are sparing no expense here.

To my knowledge it is the first time this has been done or even attempted, and I can't think of a better or more exciting author to pop its cherry. If you want proof, head over to Hub Magazine and check out Dave's story "God-Shaped Box" in this week's issue. I rate DK Thompson alongside Douglas Warrick and Jonathan C. Gillespie as the three sickhouse young wordslingers with whom I'd form the literary Four Horsemen.

I'd be Arn Anderson. In case you were wondering.

Okay. I'm out of time, my fingertips are starting to bleed, and the grotesquely large boner I've acquired just typing about all this has evacuated what little blood I had left. If I haven't convinced you this is THE magazine event of the year, you are lost even to St. Jude, my friend. I hope whatever tribal god image you pray to grants you mercy.

I have none to give.

Can I just say that when you hold the third issue of Murky Depths in your hands the visual and tactile sensation alone makes you feel hipper than Bing Crosby and Jack Kerouac sipping cocktails and sharing a ten-thousand-dollar-a-night hooker on the top floor of The Chelsea Hotel? Can I, please?

We’ve dropped Issue #3 and the impact destroyed half of Europe. The uncool half, don’t worry. Steve Pirie rocks one of the greatest short story titles of all time. Richard Calder delivers possibly my favorite episode of Death and the Maiden to date, not the least of which because it explains the HYPERSKIRT (the reason there’s so much panty on the cover of the issue. You thought it was just gratuitous poon. NAY, my friend). And after opening Satan’s Gospel and finding a message from The Desolate One addressed to him in our last issue, Detective Daniel “Ghoul” Goulding finally meets the Fallen Angel himself in the second part of Luke Cooper’s supernatural crime thriller The Dark Gospel.

Luke Cooper is the slick pimp who DECAPITATED Murky Depths publishing editor Terry Martin in the fourth panel of Part One. Believe my word of life when I tell you he is going to be the next Garth motherfucking Ennis. Don’t be one of those lame ass bandwagon jumpers. Get in on the ground floor and take the elevator ride all the way to the top with him.

And, of course, the issue also contains my new Depth Charge feature: “Sprawl & Brawl: Five Reasons Why Cyberpunk Sustains”

You’re welcome.

Prose
“What's Yours Is Mine” by Pike Stephenson
“The Suicide Bar” by Montilee Stormer
“Nine Tenths Of The Law” by Edward Morris
“In This the Era of the Great Wilting” by Jeffrey Archer-Burton
“Shit New World” by Martin Hayes
“Maimed” by Hazel Marcus Ong
“SPOILS” by Stan Nicholls
“Speak Ill Of The Dead” by Ian Faulkner
“The Love Ship Guide to Seduction in Zero Gravity” by Steve Pirie

Comics
Evention -- Writer: Mike Webster Artist: Luke Hinchley
The Dark Gospel, Part Two -- Luke Cooper
Death and the Maiden, Episode Three -- Richard Calder

Poetry
“Zombie Diva” by Glynn Barrass


BUT WAIT! There’s more . . .

A first in Murky Depths Universe! We present Death and the Maiden in a stand-alone 28-page FULL COLOR comic that collects all four episodes of Richard Calder’s gothic hardboiled post-cyberpunk prosaic freakshow epic. It’s our first trade paperback, and you can pick it up for a mere three and a half pounds, roughly seven bucks American.

I really can’t stress just how singular and rare and one of a kind this thing is. It’s a total Murky Depths exclusive, it’s Richard Calder’s first serious work in the medium. Buy it, read it, slide it into a plastic cover (WITH a cardboard backing, you fucking philistine), file it away and in a few years you can eBay that shit for ten or twenty times the cover price.

Sweet Black Jesus, kids, I bury my head in a script for a few days and when I come up for air, what do I find has been going on? Evel Knievel is dead, the writers strike has entered its fifth week, Journeyman is off the air, that new Justice League movie is shaping up to be a worse incarnation than that ass-rapingly awful Friends-like TV pilot from back in the day, and Scott Sigler was allowed to celebrate another birthday. What the fuck. You guys can't hold it down for one week without me?

It's all good, though. December is now in full swing, which means I'm sauced on Christmas spirit. This should not be mistaken for filled with Christ's love, which is usually followed by genocidally subjugating minorities and slaughtering those with different beliefs than you. But ironically, I love Christmas. The whole Christmas season. Don't ask me why, no one quite knows the reason. I just dig the vibes, the traditions. I've broken out my Santa hat and incorporated it into my daily ensemble. Let's wassle, bitches.

I'm also working on a very special Christmas present for all my Failed Cities fans out there. Because you guys are ninjas, and your e-mails keep my ego warm at night.

Now let's get down to business . . .

Fully live, totally free, and brand spankin' (and I do mean spankin') new on Variant Frequencies, it's "Paid in Full" by Anne Stringer. This is her newest entry in the Amarant series, which included my (parsecawardwinning) story "No World for Warriors" from back in March. Amarant is a very cool concept Anne came up with (I'd take credit if I could get away with it, believe me) that centers around character studies of immortality. "The Gift" and "Life Sentence" are the ones she dropped so far. "Paid in Full" is a wholly worthy addition. It's also filled with all kinds of wicked sadomasochism and snuff. It's fucked up, man. Anne is a sick deviant freak. I'm not even kidding. It's AWESOME. You gotta check this shit out.


Also in the headlines and arriving just in time for Christmas, the second issue of Murky Depths has dropped and it is GOD SPEAKER OF AWESOME. I think we've topped the first issue. Geff Taylor's cover art is one of my favorite flavors of retro and you can't even gaze upon the TOC without your retinas burning. Seriously. Go ahead, try it. I fuckin' dare you.

SHORT FICTION
"Duchess Street" by Kurt Kirchmeier
"With A Whimper, With A Bang" by DM Moehrle
"Super Size Security" by AR Yngve
"Yellow Warbler" by Jason Sizemore
"Bernadette and the Sirens" by Hannah Davey
"The Litter" by Katherine Patterson
"Venus and the Birth of Zephyrus" by Sarah Wagner
"Spoil" by Stan Nicholls
"Hair of the Dog" by Edward Morris
"Phantom Payment" by Willie Meikle
"Poppets" by Mike Driver

COMICS
The Art of War (David Ryan)
The Dark Gospel (Luke Cooper)
Death and the Maiden, Part 2 (Richard Calder)
Firewallburn (David Ryan, Dennis Hopeless)

POETRY
"The Last Flight" by Sylvanus Moxley
"Church of Saturn" by Alex Wilson

ARTICLES & INTERVIEWS
The Real Space Dudes
"A History of Violence" by Jay Eales
"Mixed Blood, Hybrid Nature" by Matt Wallace


An MD gift pack would look spectacular under any Christmas tree. Couple it with a one-year subscription and your chosen recipient will not only feel the love, they will know you have taste, class, and cool. So maybe you consider it. Maybe I'm in possession of certain photos of you and that 16-year-old Cambodian hooker. Maybe you give your loved ones some MD swag this year. Maybe I keep those photos off the interweb.

Speaking of gifts, if you're a listener looking to get me back this holiday season for all the entertainment and escapism I've gifted you in the last year, I wouldn't object. Although I'd also accept a pledge to buy my short story collection when it drops in early 2008.

But hey, if you wanna rock both, I'll make you a gold circle member.

There's a hat and everything.

Publishing Editor Terry Martin has put together a graphic, ultra-sexy teaserama for the magazine that just dressed YOUR weakass anthology in rubber and made it beg for mercy. He calls it a taster. I call it your definitive keyhole into the world of Murky Depths. It is available for download as a completely free .PDF and includes, in addition to an overload of nex level art and other amazing gratis content, my short story "The Dead Man and the Berserk" that was featured in the limited edition Murky Depths promo issue. The first time the print version has been made available for free anywhere.

You'll also get your VERY FIRST LOOK at the contents page for our second issue. We're locking the rabid stylings of graphic artists and deadly wordsmiths like Richard Calder, Stan Nicholls, KA Patterson, Luke Cooper, DM Moehrle, Jason Sizemore, Edward Morris, and Sarah Wagner (among many others) in a paper cage and watching them tear the fucker to shreds. You'll also recognize my name and Warholized mug. "Mixed Blood, Hybrid Nature" is my own non-fiction contribution to issue two.

If you haven't yet immersed yourself in Murky Depths then I can't really convey just how different and special this magazine is. It goes way beyond simple pulp and printed word. Escapism for the hardcore escapee, intellect for the intellectually weary, phantasmagoric eye fuck for the visual pervert and art voyeur in us all. Even the feel of the 'zine will give you a boner. Even if you're a girl. ESPECIALLY if you're a girl.

DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE .PDF COPY OF THE MURKY DEPTHS TASTER HERE

On a final note I'd like to congratulate Anne Stringer, who's been promoted to co-editor. Because she copies everything I do.

Yesterday's live season finale of Writers Talking was a good jam. About six people turned up, and two even asked questions. The rest of you suck. You can download the episode in its entirety here. I was a little dry out of the gate, but once I found my groove I thought I owned respectably. And I only said "fuck" twice. Although I did say "shit" to an obscene degree. Probably because I was trying so hard not to drop F-bombs. I don't know why I curse so much. I think some asshole told me not to when I was little so I made a point of integrating it as deeply into my conversational bag as possible.

Anyway. The point of this post is not to reiterate how cool and funny and vulgar I am in general, it's to let you get in on the superbad contest giveaway that host Matthew Wayne Selznick, my fellow guest Mark Leslie and I put together in honor of the podcast's first season. We all ponied up some killer swag, and one of you can take the whole kitty home.

The Writers Talking Season One Finale Grand Prize Package includes:

- Autographed copy of Brave Men Run by Matthew Wayne Selznick
- Autographed copy of One Hand Screaming by Mark Leslie
- Autographed copy of Relic, the limited edition chapbook by Mark Leslie, Carol Weekes, and Michael Kelly previously available ONLY at Bakka-Phoenix, Toronto's oldest sci-fi bookstore
- Cutting Block Press anthology Tattered Souls featuring my novella The End of Flesh
- Murky Depths limited edition promo issue (cover art by Les Edwards)
- Murky Depths Issue #1
- Coupon for 20% off a one-year subscription to Murky Depths
- In addition to signing anything you want signed, I will also draft a dirty limerick with your name and/or the word of your choice worked into it

That's over a hundred bucks worth of cool collectible shit delivered to your doorstep ABSOLUTELY FREE. So what do you have to do? Well, we are whoring for feedback, folks. That's right. Reader comments are like a carton of Pall Malls in the maximum security prison that is a dirt merchant author's id. All you have to do to enter the contest is talk back to writers talking in one of three places: The comments of this blog entry, Mark Leslie's blog, or the Writers Talking Season Finale Forum.

What we're looking for is constructive criticism of mine, Mark, and/or Selznick's work, examples of which you can check out for free with very little effort. Positive, negative, it doesn't matter. As long as it's got some kind of substance to it. Once you leave your thoughts, your name is entered into a random drawing. You have 'til the last day of November, 2007, after which we'll all announce the winner (I think).

So listen to the finale, listen to/read some of our stuff, leave some thoughts, win a bunch of swag. It's all about art, exposure, and cross-promotion. And vanity. You can't ever forget vanity. Well, unless you're Prince.